The 1 degree felt similar. I knew I
needed a lot more before I would be get out of bed willingly, but
there weren't any more.
Still, of all 50 states, Sheri and I
made a conscious decision to move to Maine. We were 49 at the time,
so it was with full knowledge that we would spend our retirement
years here. There was some consolation in the fact that we were
leaving a place with much worse winter weather (Syracuse, N.Y.), and
that Maine was … well... very Maine-y, which made the winters
manageable.
Well, 1 degree it was and I got up,
mostly because I was meeting Not-His-Real-Name Walter for our weekly
coffee council, so I didn't really have much choice. The Fire Road we
live on can be a real bear to navigate when there is snow and ice on
the ground, and I've ceased to be surprised if, upon attempting to
leave, I end up way further down the hill than when I started. But
this day, things were good. My second surprise of the day was to come
when I got where I was going.
I reached Not His Real Name's house in
time to see a lonely figure walking up his road. I could tell very
little about the person because they seemed to be wearing a great
number of clothes, covering just about every inch of their body,
except for the smallest of slits around their eyes.
As I waited for Walter to appear, the
person turned into his driveway and unshielded enough for me to see
it was his Wicked Smaht Wife- I'm going to start calling her Sheila
(not her real name). As Sheila was telling me how wonderful her walk
in 1 degree weather had been, I must confess I was hearing very
little of it. I was reworking in my mind what it was that made me
think she was Wicked Smaht. So I smiled, and nodded, and muttered
encouraging things until Walter came out and we drove off.
“You should think about walking
home,” she cried after him. “If you wear lots of clothes it won't
be too bad.” Right. So, off Walter and I went in my nice warm car
that had taken most of the drive to Walter's to actually warm up.
Coffee awaited.
One of the things I like about our
Tuesday morning sessions is that NHRH is constantly coming up with
theories that are... hmmm... they're... well, certainly convoluted,
but almost always fascinating. This week was no different.
“Suppose,” he began, “ you were
living in a small village in Vermont in 1850. You were happily
married, had a nice life, couple of kids... maybe you were the town
newspaper editor and the government came along and told you you had
to move West. Had to. There weren't enough people out there and you
and yours had to pack up and go.” It took him about five minutes to
explain that, but that was the gist.
“You'd have two choices,” he
pointed out. “You could fuss and feud and yell about how unfair it
was, demand to see a lawyer, and just otherwise be unpleasant and
argumentative, even though you were going, and not a lawyer nor a
fuss was going to change that. Or,” and he paused for effect, “you
could simply say OK and get about the business of heading West. Maybe
buy yourself a cowboy hat and some spurs, and look at it as an
adventure. It wouldn't necessarily mean you were any happier about it
than the other guy; you just understood you had zero options.”
Then he looked at me, and, as he so
often does, brought me into it. “That's pretty much what happened
to you. A force outside your control said, 'You have multiple
myeloma, now deal with it.' Which you have done, like the second guy
in the example. You accepted your situation and decided to treat it
as an adventure.”
Understand, he had not brought this
idea fully formed to the table. It simply developed as he and I were
talking. And I realized that, without even realizing it, that was
exactly what had happened. In the beginning, my cancer was an
adventure; not necessarily a happy one, but still... There was all
the new language to learn, health professionals to meet, medicines to
take, examinations to undertake, Every week was filled with something
new, and quite often, mildly terrifying. It was an adventure.
I think part of the problem I'm having
with my overall attitude now, is that the sense of adventure is gone.
There's nothing knew. It's become this two-year plus slog through ill
health. In the Go West analogy, I've hit Kansas- miles and miles of
not much. I dumped the spurs and the cowboy hat somewhere in
Missouri. Now there's just constant walking and moving forward,
which, though it can be its own reward (if you call it exercise),
does wear on a person. And I think that's where I am and what's going
on. The adventure has gone, at least for now, and I'm just a guy with
cancer and stomach pains trying find an end to all this flatness.
By the way, Walter walked home.
There are a variety of versions of
the story that gives this blog its name. The pony is the constant in
all of them. A man is on his way to a party when he comes across a
young boy shoveling ass over tea kettle at an enormous mountain of
manure. The man asks the child if he wouldn't rather go with him to
the party than shovel all that poop. The kid says, “No way man.
With all that poop... there must be a pony in there somewhere
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